More Union Problems

HAHAHAHAAH

BBC NEWS:
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of  virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54.  A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Toilet in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Hassheetin Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

The "Company Christmas Party" joke

Is this really a joke?  It's probably based on an actuality... and IMO it's  not even loosely based.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 1 
RE: Christmas Party 
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And, don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! 
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! 
Merry Christmas to you and your family. 
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 2 
RE: Holiday Party 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. 
Happy now? 
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 3 
RE: Holiday Party 
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ....You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? 
Somebody???? 
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money, and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. 
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
DATE: December 7 
RE: Holiday Party 
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party (the days are so short this time of year), or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? 
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each gender will have their own table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food thus we suggest for those people with blood pressure problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics since the restaurant is unable to supply "no sugar" desserts. 
Sorry! 
Did I miss anything? 
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All Employees 
Date: December 9 
RE: Holiday Party 
People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? Please????????? 
Also, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail, sent to your home.
Patty
...............

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO: All #&$**@ Employees 
DATE: December 10 
RE: The #*&^@*^Holiday Party 
I have no#&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@ do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!! 
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your @ #$^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now !HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! 
Drive drunk and die, you hear me!!!!!!!!!!! 
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
.................

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri

Israel's latest invention

Joke or not, something like this would be a great invention.  And, who better to accomplish that feat than the Israelis !   What a brave new world we are living in now, all thanks to our beloved muslim brothers and sisters.

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners..

It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter, an announcement:  “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London.   Shalom!”


h/t: Rhonda

Muslim logic = You sell music? We kill you dead !!

Pakistan .... a very, very, failed nation. Saudi Arabia and Pakistan, two top tier cancerous growths, eating away at humankind.

Joke ... an American, a Canadian, a Britisher and a Saudi

There were these 4 guys, an American, a Canadian, a Britisher and a Saudi Arabian, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Near you there are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and  your wish will come true."

The American wanted to start (as usual). He ran towards the pool, jumped in and shouted, "WHISKEY". The pool immediately changed into a pool of whiskey. The American was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Canadian's turn. He did the same and shouted, "BEER" and immersed himself into a pool of beer.

The Britisher was next and he jumped and shouted, "Wine". He was so contented with his wine pool.

The last is the Arab. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted "SHIT"

The rest is yukky but well deserved.